


The One Where Derek Gets a Roommate

by melancholy_and_chocolate



Category: Friends (TV), Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Derek as Monica, Friends AU, Hayden as Carol, Josh as Barry, Kate as Paul, Liam as Ross, Lydia as Phoebe, M/M, Malia as Joey, Pre-Slash, Stiles as Chandler, Theo as Rachel, Thiam, Tracey as Susan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 00:55:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14706078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melancholy_and_chocolate/pseuds/melancholy_and_chocolate
Summary: Theo runs away from his wedding and Liam's ex-wife is a lesbiana friends pilot episode au





	The One Where Derek Gets a Roommate

**Author's Note:**

> it differs slightly from the actual episode, but I tried my best to stick to the script
> 
> obviously I don't own any of these characters, nor do I own the plot

 

 

“Guys, I’m telling you, _there’s nothing to tell_ ” Derek said with an exasperated look “she’s just some girl I met on the subway”

 

“You’re going on a date with a girl Der, there’s gotta be something wrong with her” Malia snorted.

 

“Is she bald? Is she ugly?” Stiles asked “ _is it a combination of both?_ ”

 

“Wait, does she seem weirdly obsessed with herself?” Lydia piped up. Derek gave her a look.

 

“What? I don’t want you to go through what I did with Jackson”

 

“It’s barely even a date, it’s more just two people hanging out” Derek rolled his eyes. Nobody really seemed to buy it, but they left him alone nonetheless, letting the conversation drift into another direction.

 

Eventually, Derek’s little brother Liam came into the cafe. He was soaking wet from the rain outside and looked absolutely miserable.

 

“Hi” Liam sighed.

 

“Are you okay?” Derek asked, gently grabbing his arm.

 

“I feel like someone ripped out my heart and forced me to eat it”

 

“Cookie?” Stiles offered.

 

“Hayden moved out today” Derek explained to the group. They nodded in understanding. Derek got up to get Liam some coffee.

 

Liam took a seat beside Lydia on the couch. The strawberry blonde started to pick around at the air surrounding Liam. He groaned.

 

“Stop cleansing my aura Lyds” he smacked her hands away.

 

“I’ll be fine guys, really. I hope she’ll be very happy” Liam added.

 

“No you don’t” Derek snorted.

 

“You’re right, I don’t” Liam said “she can go to hell, she’s the one who left me for Tracey”

 

“And you never knew she was a lesbian” Malia shook her head.

 

“Obviously not” Liam glared “why is everyone obsessing over that part? She didn’t even know”

 

“Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian” Stiles mumbled absentmindedly. Everyone looked at him “Did I say that out loud?”

 

Derek walked back over and took a seat on Liam’s other side, handing him the coffee.

 

“Alright Liam, you’re hurting right now, you’re angry, but can I tell you what the answer is?” Malia asked. Liam gestured for her to continue “strip club!”

 

“You’re single, have some fun” She added.

 

"I don't _want_ to be single, okay? I just want to be married again” Liam frowned.

 

Suddenly the cafe’s door swung open and a guy wearing a sleek black wedding tux rushes in. He had a panicked look on his face and went to the counter. The entire cafe was watching with curious expressions.

 

Stiles’ eyes widen in glee ”And _I_ just want a million dollars!" 

 

Derek slowly walked up to the man, having done a double-take.

 

“ _Theo?_ ” He asked in disbelief, not quite believing his eyes.

 

“Oh god, Derek, hi” Theo pulled the confused man into a hug before continuing “I went to your building but you weren’t there and then this guy with a hammer said you’d be here”

 

Derek pulled Theo over to the group to introduce him.

 

“Guys this is Theo, another Beacon Hills survivor” Derek the pointed at each of his friends “This is Lydia, and Stiles, and Malia and you remember my brother Liam?”

 

“Of course” Theo nodded shaking Liam’s hand. The two then sat down on the couch side-by-side with Lydia.

 

“So are you gonna tell us now?” Derek said “Or are we waiting for four wet groomsmen?”

 

“Okay” Theo nodded “it started about a half hour before the wedding”

 

“I was sitting in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat, when all of sudden I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Josh. Then I got really freaked out and that’s when it hit me, how much Josh looked like Mr.Potato Head” Tho ranted.

 

“Anyway, I just had to get out of there” Liam patted his shoulder in support.

 

“I didn’t know where to go, and I know you and I’ve kind of drifted apart, but you’re the only person I knew who lived here” Theo looked over at Derek.

 

‘Who wasn’t invited to the wedding” Derek deadpanned.

 

“I was kind of hoping that wouldn’t be an issue” Theo sheepishly winced.

 

The group took Theo up to Derek’s apartment where he could call his father to explain things. They all sat on the couch pretending to not be listening in.

 

“Dad, I just can’t marry him” Theo sighed into the phone “I’m sorry, but I just don’t love him”

 

The group all looked at each other, understanding where Theo was coming from.

 

Theo then scoffed “well it matters to me!”

 

They all frowned at each other.

 

“C’mon dad, listen to me! It’s like all of my life, everyone has always told me 'Theo, you’re a shoe!'” Theo exclaimed.

 

That really got the groups attention, so they all spun around to watch.

 

“You’re a shoe, you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe!” He repeated “and then today I just stopped and realized what if I don’t wanna be a shoe”

 

“What if I want to be a purse, or a hat” Theo paused “no I’m not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I’m saying I am a hat- it’s a metaphor dad!”

 

“You can see where he’d get lost” Liam said, immediately clamping his mouth shut after Theo sends him a look.

 

“Dad, it’s my life” he stopped to hear his dad “well maybe I’ll just stay here with Derek”

 

The group looked at Derek who shrugged awkwardly.

 

“Well maybe thats my decision. Maybe I don’t need your money” he sassed. The line cut off. 

 

“Wait, I said maybe!” He worriedly shouted, though it was futile. His dad had really hung up on him.

 

Theo ended up sitting on the couch, rocking back and forth, breathing into a paper bag.

 

“Just think of something relaxing” Derek tried to calm him. Lydia leaned over and started singing a song from the Sound Of Music.

 

“I’m better” Theo told Lydia to get her to stop. It worked.

 

“This could be for the best, taking charge of your life, being independent” Derek said.

 

“And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Malia” Malia rubbed Theo’s shoulder before winking “me and Stiles live right across the hall, and he’s away a lot” 

 

“Mal, stop hitting on him, it’s his wedding day” Derek scolded.

 

“What, like there’s a rule or something?” Malia raised her arms in the air.

 

The apartment buzzer sounded off and Stiles went to answer it.

 

“Stop, that sound is annoying” was his greeting.

 

“Uh, it’s Kate” a girl said back.

 

“Kate? Buzz her in” Derek said.

 

“Who’s Kate?” Malia asked.

 

“The girl from the subway?” Liam asked.

 

“The girl you’re just ‘hanging out’ with?” Malia mocked.

 

“Wait, Theo I can cancel” Derek looked down at Theo who was still sitting on the couch.

 

“Oh no, please go, I’ll be fine” Theo reassured him.

 

“What about you Li, you want me to stay?” Derek turned around.

 

“That’d be nice” Liam nodded.

 

“Really?” Derek furrowed his eyebrows.

 

“No” Liam grinned “go on, its Kate from the subway”

 

There was a knock on the door and Derek answered it. A blonde woman stood outside. 

 

“Everybody, this is Kate” he invited her in “Kate, this is everybody”

 

“I just pulled out four eyelashes, this can’t be good” Lydia said as Derek lead Kate over to the couch.

 

“So Theo, what’re you up to tonight?” Liam asked.

 

“Oh, I was kinda supposed to be headed to Aruba for my honeymoon, so nothing” Theo smiled.

 

“Right, you’re not even getting your honeymoon” Liam frowned before his eyes widened “I mean, Aruba? This time of year? Talk about big lizards”

 

“Anyway” Liam exclaimed “if you don’t feel like being alone, Malia and Stiles are gonna help me put together my new furniture”

 

“Thanks” Theo softly smiled at him “but I think I’m just gonna stay here tonight, it’s been a, uh, long day”

 

“Lyds, you wanna help?” Malia asked.

 

“I wish I could, but I don’t want to” Lydia shook her head

 

*

 

“We’ve got to attach a bracket thing to a side thing, using a bunch of these little guys” Liam told Malia and Stiles, reading the instructions while squating.

 

“Problem is I have no bracket things, I can’t see the little guys anywhere and I cannot feel my legs” he added, getting up and heading to the kitchen.

 

“What do you think this is?” Malia worriedly asked Stiles, holding up a piece they missed while putting together the bookshelf.

 

“I don’t know” Stiles hissed. Malia shrugged before shoving it inside the nearby fake plant and shouting “Finished with the bookcase!”

 

Liam walked out of the kitchen holding a beer can and wearing a frown.

 

“This was Hayden’s favourite beer” he said “she always used to drink it straight out of the can”

 

“Liam, she got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV, what did you get?” Malia asked.

 

“You guys” he shrugged.

 

Stiles muttered “Oh god” at the same time Malia declared “You got screwed”

 

*

 

“Oh my god” Derek exclaimed, looking at Kate from across the table.

 

“I know, I’m such an idiot” Kate laughed “I guess I should’ve caught on when he started going to the dentist four times a week. How clean can teeth even get?”

 

“My little brother’s going through that right now, how did you get through it?” Derek asked.

 

“You can try ‘accidentally’ breaking something valuable of their’s. Say her-”

 

Derek cut her off “Leg?”

 

Kate laughed again “That’s one idea, personally I went for the watch”

 

“You actually broke her watch?” Derek smiled.

 

“Accidentally” Kate winked.

 

*

 

“Josh I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I know you probably think this is about what I said the other night about you making love with your socks on but it isn’t. It’s about me and I-“ Theo took the phone away from his ear and redialled.

 

“Hi, machine cut me off again, anyway”

 

*

 

“You now what the worst part is? What if there’s only one person for everyone. What if you get one person and that’s it” Liam groaned.

 

“What are you taking about, one person, please” Malia laughed “that’s like saying there’s only one flavour of ice cream. Let me tell you something Li, there’s lot’s of flavours out there. This is the best thing that ever happened to you”

 

Liam considered this.

 

“You got married, and you were like what, eight years old?” She snickered as Stiles shook his head, Liam huffed.

 

“What I’m trying to say is, welcome back to the world”

 

*

 

“Ever since he walked out on me I-“ Kate started.

 

“You what?” Derek leaned forward.

 

“It’s probably more of a fifth date revelation” she said.

 

“Oh, so we’re going to have a fifth date?” Derek’s lips quirked up.

 

“Isn’t there?” She smiled.

 

“Yeah, I think there is” he nodded “so what were you gonna say?”

 

“Well ever since he left me, I haven’t been able to preform” She paused as Derek lifted up his drink, listening intently to her “sexually”

 

He didn’t mean to, _he really didn’t_ but Derek spit out his drink at that, right onto her.

 

“Oh god, I’m sorry” he quickly said “uh, how long”

 

“Two years” she replied.

 

“Wow, I’m glad you smashed his watch” Derek said with wide eyes.

 

“So, you think you’re still interested in that fifth date?” Kate asked.

 

“Yeah” he gently held her hand “I am”

 

*

 

“That’s the difference, right there! She loves him so they got married, but I don’t love Josh!” Theo blew his nose into his tissue as he watched the movie. He’d finally changed out of his tux and into a pair of Derek’s sweatpants and a shirt. He tossed the tissue beside him and continued watching.

 

*

 

“Here’s the thing, even if I were to ask someone out, who would I ask?” Liam miserably said to Malia and Stiles, taking a sip of his beer. He leaned back and stared out of his window, as if he hoped that if he stared long enough at the sky, an answer would come.

 

*

 

Theo was seated on the bay window, tears long gone. He stared into the same sky, looking for an answer of his own.

 

*

 

“Isn’t this amazing? I’ve never made coffee before” Theo told Stiles and Malia as he placed three mugs down on the table. He ran over to the stove top and grabbed the pot.

 

“That _is_ amazing” Stiles closed his eyes. Theo poured the coffee into all three of the mugs.

 

“Congratulations” Malia nodded. She picked up the mug and drank some of it’s contents only to immediately spit it back out. Stiles had forced himself to swallow the gross liquid. The two of them shared a look and simultaneously pour their cups into the table’s centrepiece.

 

Derek’s bedroom door opened and he greeted the group “Morning” only to be followed by Kate leaving his room too.

 

“Morning Kate” Malia chuckled.

 

Derek helped Kate slip her jacket on and walked her to the door. Theo, Stiles and Malia all intently listened in.

 

“I had a great time” Derek smiled.

 

“Thank you” Kate smiled back. 

 

“See you later” Derek nodded before the two shared a quick kiss. Theo smiled at the sight, happy for his high school best friend. Malia smiled, proud of her friend for finally getting some. Kate left and Derek shut the door, turning around with a goofy grin.

 

“Not a real date my ass” Malia snorted.

 

“Shut up” Derek easily replied.

 

“I should probably head off to work” Stiles stood up.

 

“So you guys all have jobs?” Theo tilted his head.

 

“Yeah” Derek said “that’s how we buy stuff”

 

“I’m an actor” Malia points to herself.

 

“Oh, would I have seen you in anything?” Theo smiled.

 

“Doubt it” Malia shook her head. “Mostly regional work”

 

“She was in the live action play 'Pinocchio'” Derek snickered, making fun of her as he sat at the table while Malia got up.

 

“This is abuse” she pointed out.

 

“Let’s go wooden boy” Stiles grabbed her arm and dragged her out the door with him.

 

“How’re you doing?” Derek asked Theo “Sleep okay? Talk to Josh?”

 

“Enough about me” Theo waved him off “how was Kate?”

 

“She’s great. Do you remember how it was with you and Tony DeMarco back in high school?” Derek asked.

 

“Yeah” Theo nodded.

 

“Well it’s like that, except with feelings involved too”

 

“Someone hit the jackpot” Theo grinned.

 

“Alright I’ve gotta get to work too” Derek stood up and walked to the door.

 

“Oh, wish me luck!” Theo shouted after him.

 

“What for?” He turned around.

 

“I’m gonna get one of those job things” Theo explained.

 

Derek chuckled ”Good luck”

 

*

 

“So who was the lucky girl?” Derek’s coworker asked as they cooked.

 

“Kate” Derek said.

 

“Kate from the subway?” He asked. Derek nodded.

 

“Oh yeah, I know Kate” he smirked. Derek furrowed his eyebrows.

 

“How?”

 

“I was the first person she slept with in two years” he explained before walking off. Derek’s jaw dropped.

 

“ _Son of a bitch_ ”

 

*

 

“Of course it was a lie” Malia shouted, sitting on the couch’s arm rest.

 

“Why would anyone do that?” Derek hissed, pacing around their spot in the cafe.

 

“To get you in bed” Liam slowly answered, leaning back in his chair and having a sip of his coffee.

 

“Is it me? Do I just attract shitty people?” Derek asked. 

 

“Alright, c’mere, give me your feet” Lydia waved Derek over to where she was seated on the floor in front of the couch.

 

Derek sighed as he sat on the couch, shrugged off his left shoe and put his foot on Lydia’s lap for her to massage.

 

“I just thought she was nice, y’know?” He mumbled. Malia patted his shoulder sympathetically before laughing again.

 

“I can’t believe you didn’t know it was a lie”

 

Derek scowled and lightly shoved her off the arm rest onto the floor.

 

Theo ran in through the front door towards the group, holding a bag.

 

“Guess what?”

 

“You got a job?” Liam guessed. Theo laughed.

 

“No I’m trained for nothing, I was laughed out of 12 interviews today” he explained.

 

“You’re surprisingly happy” Stiles pointed out.

 

“You would be too if you found these shoes 50% off” Theo opened his bag and pulled out a shoebox.

 

“You know me so well” Stiles nodded.

 

“They’re my new ‘I don’t need a job, I don’t need my parents, I don’t need a husband shoes’ shoes” Theo grinned.

 

“How’d you pay for them?” Derek questioned.

 

“Credit card”

 

“And who pays for the credit card?” Derek pushed.

 

“My dad” he muttered under his breath, but everyone still heard.

 

*

 

Derek placed scissors on the kitchen table beside the five different credit cards he took out of Theo’s wallet. Everyone encouragingly stood around Derek’s apartment.

 

“Come on, you can’t live off your parents forever” Derek said.

 

“I know that” Theo sighed  “that’s why I was getting married”

 

“Give him a break, it’s hard being on your own for the first time” Lydia spoke up.

 

“Thank you” Theo looked at her.

 

“You’re welcome, I remember when I first came to the city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison and I came here and didn’t know a soul” Lydia explained “I ended up living with some albino guy who cleaned windshields. And then he killed himself. And then I found aromatherapy, so believe me, I know exactly how you feel”

 

Theo blankly stared at her, not sure what say.

 

“The word you’re looking for is _anyway_ ” Liam helped.

 

“You ready to do this?” Derek asked, picking up the scissors and holding them out.

 

“I don’t think so” 

 

“Oh come on” Liam said, picking up one credit card “cut them”

 

“Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut” everyone chanted as Theo took the scissors and cut the first card.

 

And then he cut the second, and the third, and the fourth and the fifth.

 

The group clapped for him and Derek pulled Theo into a hug.

 

“Welcome to the real world, it sucks” he grinned “ _you’re gonna love it_ ”

 

*

 

The movie ended and Derek turned off the TV.

 

“Are you gonna stay the night?” He turned to Liam, who was sat beside him. Theo yawned over on the chair to their left.

 

“No, I’ve gotta go home eventually” Liam sighed. Derek pulled him into a warm hug. Theo bent over and picked up something off the ground.

 

“Hey, look what I found” he said.

 

“What?” Theo asked after seeing the look Derek had.

 

“That’s Kate’s watch. Just put it where you found it”

 

Theo shrugged and did as told, putting it on the floor. Derek got up and headed to his room but not before aggressively stomping on the watch as he passed it. Theo and Liam shared a grin.

 

The two stared at each other for a moment before Liam spoke.

 

“You probably don’t know this, but back in high school I had a major crush on you”

 

“I knew” Theo quietly said with a small smile.

 

“You did? I always figured you just saw me as Derek’s dorky little brother”

 

“I did” Theo laughed.

 

“Oh” Liam slightly laughed. A comfortable silence washed over them until Liam spoke again.

 

“Listen, do you think, and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here, but do you think it’s be okay if I asked you out sometime, maybe?”

 

“Yeah” Theo broke out in a smile “maybe”

 

“Okay, maybe I will” Liam leaned back.

 

Theo laughed before getting up.

 

“Goodnight” Theo fondly said.

 

“Goodnight” Liam smiled.

 

Theo walked into his room and softly shut the door. Liam got up and grabbed his coat, making his way to the front door.

 

“Hey, what’s with the smile?” Derek called after him, walking into the kitchen to get a drink.

 

“I just got a maybe” was all Liam said before leaving.

 

*

 

The group minus Theo sat in the cafe playing cards.

 

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing here” Malia said. Lydia quietly repeated exactly what she said.

 

“What I said you had a-“ Derek was cut off by Lydia repeating him too.

 

“Would you stop?” Derek asked her.

 

“Oh, was I doing it again?” Lydia asked, looking genuinely surprised.

 

“Yes” Stiles hissed.

 

All of a sudden, Theo walked over holding a coffee pot.

 

“Anyone want some?” He asked.

 

“Did you make it or are you just serving it?” Stiles cautiously asked.

 

“Just serving it” 

 

Everyone sighed in relief and held their cups up for refills.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully I didn't totally butcher this, I was trying something new. 
> 
> if anyone is interested in seeing a specific episode of friends be written with the teen wolf characters, I'm open to requests


End file.
